Confusion/Self Awareness.

I'll just start off by saying that I thought that coming in with the mentality of "happiness" in the New Year would actually make a difference in how my year would be...

Well I haven't really written much at all because I didn't know what to write about or what to say. But maybe it's not about that. Maybe it's just an outlet for my emotions and how I feel, to help calm me down or just say what I have to say good or bad. It's like a therapist. Ha.

So, I don't know how much easier I could have it:
I don't work, my mom gives me money weekly. I mean it's not like getting money every hour like at a job, but it's just money that I get. How much easier could that get?
On top of that, I don't even do much in my house. All I have to worry about is cleaning my room. I mean they ask me to help, but do I do it? Of course not. I think I'm just beginning to realize how selfish I am.
I already got accepted to college. All I need to do is keep those grades above an F, and graduate and I'm gone. Yet I can't seem to focus on anything, whether it be school, friends, or family. I don't think I'm even focusing on taking care of myself. I feel like I'm just hurting those around me just because maybe I want them to be as miserable as I am, and that's just not fair. It's unbelievably wrong on my part.

Maybe, no not maybe. I AM a selfish, vengeful, hurtful person. And I just can't seem to find any good in me lately. I see no light in me. I don't see how anyone can contest to this. I don't see anyone can be friends with a person like me, or even want to be around me.

I just lost a friend because I wanted to see far he'd go. For some reason I got so sad and upset when I realized what I had done. How could I let my own vendetta against someone else effect my actions. I don't like losing friends. I don't think anyone does. And I know I said before, that "it's okay to let go because if they wanted to go in the first place, then it wasn't really worth having them at all, was it?" I still believe this statement, but not if I force them to make the decision to leave.

The funny yet sad thing is, I had contemplated one of the worst outcomes one could think of. I won't tell you what exactly, but I did. And I wake up today to find out that I had no school, and that the college I got accepted to is sending me a scholership offer. I would be stupid if I ever thought of giving that up. I have the option to be something, to be someone that can go far, farther than my parents and maybe my siblings(no offense). I have that option to be. The choice just lies in my hands, and I have to change my faults because now that I've seen them, and noticed them in clear vision, I know I can change for the better. I can take the time I'm alone at home, which is very often, and reflect on who I am, and just grow. That's what life is about: Growing.

If I ever hurt you or someone you know, I'm so sorry. I can't say whether or not I had the intention to hurt anyone, but I am so deeply sorry. I know that's not good enough, but that's all I feel I can do right now. I apologize whole heartedly.

I'm gonna try my hardest to be a better person. For those of you that consider me your friend and that I consider mine, I understand if after you read this, your feelings change towards me.

:'(
Again..I'm sorry.

Simply Yours,
LAM.